my anxiety has been going haywire recently. I keep having dreams that people are watching through my windows or stealing my very limited valuables or dragging me to hell through a ladder in the basement.
today was a bad day.
i’m in my hometown and i made the mistake of thinking that it would be nice to see my old art teacher & show her my portfolio.
it’s been five years since i’ve seen her, just because secretly! she’s so important to me, this little old white-haired sweet-as-pie southern belle type— all i want to do is come back and be able to tell her that i’ve made it, i’m a successful artist! so that she can proudly announce, ‘I knew you could do it!’ and i can say, ‘it’s because of your encouragement that i got this far.’
i’ve been staring at her number in my phone for the past three hours, writing and rewriting drafts of the conversational tidbits that i will dispense when i hear her voice over the line.
and i know i am shooting myself in the foot and she would have contacts for me, advice and well-wishing, i want to see her so badly again but
there are so many people that I want to talk to. it would be so easy. they’re just a click away. on the phone, through an e-mail, entrenched in my list of religiously observed tumblr bloggers.
but I refuse
because I’m so scared of saying the wrong thing and what if
i am a disappointment
or rejected, considered ‘crazy’, i ask dumb questions and my words are in bad taste
or they think that my nervous flattery is insincere and only betrays a pathetic desire to please them. thereby making it repulsive.
i hardly ever talk to people these days except on anon. and it delights me at the same time that it’s torture, because i love being a secret admirer and sending out well-wishes to other, but i know i am limiting myself and i can’t make friends without an identity of my own.
i’m starting to feel like maybe it’s finally time to go see a doctor or something. my quality of life is really starting to suffer from self-imposed hermit exile.
on the upside, i’ve been drinking less.
(if only because i’m at home now and my parents don’t know about all these vices i’ve been adopting. gotta keep them from worrying, you know?)